Jokes recorded by Andy Park

2) If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

4) It s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

6) The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane user to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7) When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8) A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9) Learn from the mistakes of others. You won t live long enough to make them all yourself.

10) You know you ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11) The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12) Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn t get to five minutes earlier.

13) Stay out of the clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14) Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you ve made.

15) There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunatly nobody knows what they are.

16) You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

18) If all you can see out of the window is ground that s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19) In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20) Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience comes from bad judgement.

21) It s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

23) Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It s the law. And it s not subject to repeal.

24) The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

30) A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he s flying, and about flying when he s with a woman.

31) There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

A man in balloon is lost, so he drops to low altitude and manages to attract the attention of a woman.
He shouts: I promised to meet some friends of mine, but I have no idea where I am.
The woman replied: You are in a balloon about ten meters above the ground. You are between 51 and 52 degrees north, and 2 and 3 degrees west.
He asked: Are you a computer specialist?
She replied: Yes, how did you guess?
Well , he said, You have given me a perfectly technical description of my location, but I do not know what I should do with the information and I still have no idea where I am. Honestly, you haven t really helped me and you are costing me a lot of time.
She replied: You are obviously a manager
He answered: That s right, how did you know?
Well she replied, You don t know where you are, or where you are going. You have got here using a lot of hot air. You have made promises that you have no idea how you are going to keep, and you expect people under you to solve your problems. In fact you re in the same situation as five minutes ago, but all of a sudden it s my fault.

One morning Andy wakes up to find that his dog is lying dead on the floor.
He can t believe it, so he takes the dog to the vet.
I m sorry, Andy, your dog is dead , says the vet.
It can t be , cries Andy. I demand a second opinion!
So the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat which he puts next to the dead dog. The cat sniffs the dog and goes meeow .
The vet says, That proves your dog is dead.
Andy says, No! No!. I want another opinion.
So the vet goes and gets a Labrador which also sniffs the dog all over and then writes dead on a piece of paper.
With that, Andy reluctantly agrees that his dog is dead.
Right , say the vet, That will be three hundred and fifty pounds.
What! That much just to tell me my dogs dead? asks Andy in amazement.
Yes , replies the vet.
Fifty pounds for my diagnosis, two hundred pounds for the cat scan, and a hundred pounds for the lab report.

Recently the Russians were doing some archaeological digging and they discovered some copper cables at a depth of twenty meters. They published a document that stated that there must have been some form of network three thousand years ago.

The Americans heard about this and so started some special digging themselves. They discovered some fibre optical cables. They published a document stating that there was fibre optical communication three thousand years ago.

The news of course reached Europe, so the Belgians dug some very deep holes. They found nothing worth writing about. Still they published a paper saying that they had must have had wireless communications three thousand years ago.

A little lad was lost in a shopping mall so approached a policeman and said "I've lost my Dad".

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Last week, I took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the assistant waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Arthur Andersen to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see..size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6

Second opinion PRICELESS

FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND THE GUYS WHO THINK THEY CAN HANDLE IT

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Darling the man said to his wife, I assume that you don t want to go to the premier tonight without having a new dress .

Of course not she answered.

That s what I thought , he said, That s why I bought only one ticket!

The giraffe was just about to light up a joint when a rabbit came running by. You shouldn t be smoking those! said the rabbit. Come and run with me through the forest. It s much healthier. Maybe you re right replied the giraffe. So the giraffe dropped the joint and the two of them ran off together.

They came upon a zebra that was about to start smoking some hash. You shouldn t be smoking that! said the rabbit. Come and run with us through the forest. It s better for you. Maybe you re right said the zebra, and they all ran off together.

They came up to a lion that was just about to inject itself with a shot of heroin. It gave the rabbit a bash with its paw and sent the rabbit flying. What did you do that for? asked the giraffe. The lion answered, That stupid rabbit tries to get everybody to run after it every time it takes a dose of XTC.

Mary came home and saw Fred running around with a fly swatter. She asked Have you killed any yet?

Two male and one female up to now Fred answered.

How do you know their sex? asked Mary puzzled.

Well two were on a beer can, and one was on the telephone answered Fred.

A group of tourists were looking around the remains of a castle. Only the walls were left, and these still showed the signs where they had been hit with cannonballs. One little boy was heard saying Daddy, is this where mummy learned to drive?

Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el l piz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give 3 reasons for its recommendation.

The male group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la ordinadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

3. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The female group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el ordinador"), because:

1. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Golf.

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride . . . "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response...."just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

Updated 08-Jan-2024.